I could run after you, sure. I could throw a fit and scream and cry, tell you how disappointed and angry I was, but what would that have done in the end?
No.
If it didn't happen, it meant that our separate lives had much bigger plans for us than just the closing chapter of our angst-filled teenage years. You would go off to become a role-model and win over the hearts of everyone around you. As for me, I was going to fade into oblivion and learn what hardship was on my own, so I could better the flaws in me that I never saw before.
Will you save me then?
It was summer and you were going away for three months. Shy that I was, I kept silent as each day passed and your luggage grew heavier with every additional item you packed to take away with you.
Boy, you don't know how much I'm going to miss you.
Even if your attention was slowly getting snatched away from me by someone else. It was fine. Even if you were going to be away for three months. It was fine. No, I'll wait for you to come back and maybe you'll miss me too. Maybe you'll realize just how much you missed me and you won't be able to wait to see me again. Maybe it'll be just like old times.
What to wear...Tonight was Lily's birthday and she made me promise her I'd go and be with her on her big night.
"I promise. I promise I'll be there. I won't disappoint you, Lily."
What to wear... Blue or pink?
But tonight was also your last night in New York and you'd promised everyone that you'd meet us all for dinner one last time before you went away.
Hm.. The blue one I'd worn already that one time we went to the boardwalk. But the pink one was a little too.. pink.
Your gift sat on my bed - meticulously wrapped and decorated. I stenciled your name onto the card I had taped to the side and the wrapped was laced with an assortment of wide and colorful ribbons. You wouldn't like the gift, but you'd love that it was so thoughtful and that so much time was spent on it. I already know what you're going to say when you unwrap it. And then you'd save the card for last - you'll read it when you are alone and smile to yourself.
I finally settled on a simpler set of attire - blue jeans, black boots, and a yellow elegant but still spunky ruched camisole.
Nervously, I bit my lip as I surveyed myself in front of the full-length mirror. I had spent way too long getting ready. I smoothed out the length of my jeans and straightened my top. Simple, natural makeup (You hated the heavy stuff on me) - Check. Combed and neat hair (You always teased my messy hair) pulled into a high ponytail with just the right amount of bangs to scatter across my forehead - Check.
My stomach did little somersaults.
Shit, I was going to be late.
I grabbed the gift, gave myself one last once-over, and bolted out of my room.
On the bus ride there, I felt squeamish and excited at the same time.Would you see me and think that I looked nice? God, I hoped so. I tugged at my hair and checked my phone.
Ah, shit - I was running late. Shit shit shit!
The bus came to a screeching stop and I grabbed my things and pushed past the double back doors. There was a shortcut through a hotel that I would take to reach there faster. Everyone was already at the restaurant waiting for me.
Bouncing on the balls of my feet, I waited impatiently for the stop light to turn red so I could cross the street. As the light moved from green to yellow, a girl passed by me. I recognized her - Alice. She was wearing a skirt and she looked especially cute today.
The naive me smiled at her and called her name out, waving when she turned around to gaze at me. This was the girl you'd been spending all your time with for the past few weeks. She smiled briefly - not too friendly, but not fake either - and said hello as she crossed the street ahead of me. Strangely, I didn't feel threatened. Maybe it was because I was going to see you in a few minutes. That had to be it.
My phone rang and it was Jaime.
"Hey where are you?"
"I'm here. I'm just a few blocks away. I'll be there soon. Is everyone there already?"
"Yeah, we're just waiting."
"Start without me. I'll be there soon."
"Okay, see you soon."
The light turned back to green and the rush of cars cut me off just as I stepped forward to cross. I looked down at the wrapped gift, cradled within my clasped hands.
Hurriedly, I whisked through the hotel, my heels clicking swiftly against the Oriental tiled walkway.Laughter..
Alarmed, I stopped in my tracks. I heard a voice that sounded a lot like yours. And then a softer voice, a girl's voice, floated down the hall.
Oh God.
I freaked out and my legs broke out into a frantic sprint out of the hotel lobby.
Oh my God.
I slowed to a stop outside of the hotel doors, my hands clenched tightly and resting against my knees for support as I bent over, trying to catch my breath.
Was that you? No.. it couldn't have been. Could it have? But it sounded exactly like you. And you were laughing with someone.
No, it can't be you. I shook my head. Everyone was waiting at the restaurant. I convinced myself it wasn't you back at the hotel and started walking again.
It couldn't have been.
When I reached the restaurant, everyone was there but you. The sensible part of me already knew this and the other part of me (responsible for the clothes, hair, gift, the feelings) struggled to keep the disappointment from showing on my face.
"Where's Vince?" I asked, trying to sound casual but my own voice sounded alien to me.
"He's with Alice right now," your best friend David answered, his mouth full from a spoonful of fried rice.
Alice.
Somehow, I had already known that when I bumped into her.
"Ah, okay," I nodded agreeably. I sat down nonchalantly, tucking the gift discretely between my feet on the floor. When everyone turned their eyes away from me and back down to their own plates and side conversations, I swallowed hard.
I checked my phone. It was seven thirty already and the sun was setting. You never showed up to dinner and we'd just finished paying the bill.
"I-I can't stay much longer. I was supposed to leave for my friend's birthday party a couple of minutes ago," I announced, hesitantly.
"Where the hell is he," muttered David, visibly annoyed. "He's been with this chick for the past two hours. What the fuck!"
"Call him," interjected Barry, another one of our friends.
"I'll call him," Jaime offered helpfully, pulling out her phone. We crowded around the phone and listened carefully as the call was forwarded to voicemail.
"What the fuck!" exclaimed David, exasperatedly throwing his hands up in the air.
I didn't say a word. I sat down on a nearby bench, the gift safely hidden in my shoulder bag, and waited.
---
It's eight. You finally called back to tell us you are at the park with Alice, on the swings.
Barry suggested that we all go there to meet you. I shook my head, "I don't want to interrupt. Maybe we should let him say bye properly first? Give him five minutes, maybe? It shouldn't take too long..."
...Right?
David kicked an empty coke can down the sidewalk. "Fuck it, let's just go. He's taking too fucking long."
But you weren't at the park anymore either when we got there and when I stepped into the empty playground, my patience began to wear thin.
-------
It's nine and you're not picking up your phone again. Only this time, I had been the one making the last several calls to you. My patience, long gone, had somehow transformed into livid anger.
"VINCENT," I snapped angrily into the phone as your voicemail picked up my call, "Where the HELL are you?! I have to go. It's my friend's birthday and I'd like to say bye to you so get your ass over here NOW." I hung up and threw my phone back into my bag, seething. "Where IS HE?!"
David looked over at me. "What time is it now? Are you late?"
Lily... she'd called me twice already and both times, I promised her I was leaving soon. I need to go.
....You know what. No. Fuck Vincent.
I stood up abruptly, my bag making a loud 'clack' noise as it bumped violently against the bench armrest. "I gotta leave now - it's my friend's birthday and I'm going to miss her party," I announced, agitatedly.
Have a great trip. But I can't keep waiting for you anymore.
"Dude, CALL HIM NOW. And tell his bitch ass we are all leaving if he doesn't come. Like, RIGHT NOW. Someone call him again," David groaned aloud.
Jaime did the honors this time. Finally, someone picked up on the other end. I looked away, scoffing in deliberate annoyance.
"Hey, sorry about that. I was just walking Alice back to her bus," I heard your voice on the other line.
You sounded calm - as if you hadn't just made a whole league of your friends wait for you for hours.
"Hey, where are you right now? We'll walk over to you," suggested the ever so patient and forgiving Jaime.
But I can't. I've reached my breaking point.
----------
All of us were walking towards the main intersection where you agreed to meet us. I saw you out of the sea of faces - your back was to us and I could already tell you were lighting up a cigarette. David, tall and leggy, reached you first. I couldn't hear what you two were saying and it didn't stop me from interrupting either.
This... This is too much, Vincent.
I heard the irate and impatient clicking of my boots against the pavement and I knew I was walking fast.
I'm used to you trampling all over my feelings whenever you want... but you've gone too far.
I couldn't control myself.
"VINCENT!" I yelled fiercely down the long length of the sidewalk, my voice thick and coarse with anger.
My ponytail was slipping, the tie loosening against my reckless and furiously swift strides. I already knew my next words to you would be coated with venom. You are going to get it, you - you PRICK.
You turned to look up in surprise and I faltered a bit on the inside, though it didn't stop my pace. I stalked up to you, immediately shoving my wrapped gift against your chest. You looked down at the gift, curiously and then your eyes leveled themselves back onto me. One of the ribbons tore off and fell to the floor but neither of us paid it any attention.
"HAVE A GREAT TRIP!" I practically shouted, my voice cracking a little. I avoided your gaze - I really couldn't bring myself to look you in the eye. "BE SAFE." I tried my best to sound indifferent. "I HAVE TO GO SO - GOODBYE."
I roughly brushed past you and -
You caught my wrist.
Just like that. You caught my wrist and pulled me back to you, balanced me as I clumsily teetered from the sudden change of direction. And I looked up for the very first time, my eyes flared and defiant at your face, your unreadable expression, that something brewing in your eyes and our eyes locked for that split second.
Do you know how I'm feeling right now? Are you looking at me like this because you know?
You were looking at me, your expression indiscernible but eyes so rich with raw raw emotion. And then, without a word, you pulled me into a hug, so tight that I could hardly breathe. Both of us barely noticed as our friends crowded around and you kept your arms wound tightly around my smaller frame, your face buried in my hair. It felt like you would've stayed like that forever. And we did stay like that for a while before I finally stirred. After all, our friends are watching... and that is just... too uncomfortable for me.
Part of me was still infuriated. Don't think I'm so quick to forgive.
"Goodbye," I part-whispered, part-choked out, part-reluctantly pulling myself away from you.
I turned around, putting on my bravest face for the rest of our friends. "Bye guys!" I waved, feigning lightheartedness. "Have fun tonight, okay?"
They took the bait. No one noticed a thing. Well, except for you.
Like that, I spun on my heel and left, not even sparing you one last glance. My final image of you, standing amongst our crowd of friends with my gift in your hands and your eyes following me every second as I walked down the stairs to the subway, lingered in the back of my mind.
You hadn't said a single word to me.
As I sat by myself waiting for the subway to depart, I was still fuming. But as the subway pulled out of the station, I didn't know what I was feeling anymore.
In my hurry, the card I wrote for you had been separated from the gift and was lying abandoned and neglected in my shoulder bag. I let my fingertips trace the delicate texture of the card envelope as I bent my head low - to not let the other subway riders see. I cried quietly to myself the entire ride.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
